Judge Tim

Silly me, I thought that it wasthe job of the legislature to make laws, the job of the executive branch toenforce them, and the job of the judiciary to keep the Constitution betweenthose first two and me.

Had I known that the job of thejudiciary in Wisconsinis to overturn the decisions of the legislature, prevent the executive fromcarrying them out, and impose their own personal ideology on the whole state, Iwould have never wasted my time running for U.S. Congress.  I would have aimed high and gone straight forcounty judge right off the bat.

And I know the perfect county fora libertarian judge – Iron County, home to the city of Hurley, “where Hwy 51 ends and the funbegins!”  We have a cottage nearthere in Oma Township,otherwise known as the Kingdom of Oma.  Libertarian Judge Tim from the Kingdom of Oma would be your best friend or worstnightmare, depending on whether you are a freeperson or a taxeater.

Dane County Judge MaryAnn Sumididn’t like the way the legislature passed Governor Walker’s budget repair billso she put it on ice.  Well guess what -Judge Tim doesn’t like the way the legislature passed the income tax; so thatwill be my first injunction and we can all stop withholding tomorrow.

You know what else I don’t like?  Bar time. Do you have any idea how many bad marriages can be traced back to thepressure of finding someone before the lights came on and the music stopped?   In the Kingdom of Omathe party won’t stop until you run out of cash. 

And I would put the ki-bosh on thatsmoking ban, for sure.  If you are notold enough to walk out of a too-smoky bar, you are not old enough to drink.  In fact, the drinking age in the Kingdom of Oma will be when you stop whining; Danemight be our first dry county.  Back whenI was on the tour, my tri-fecta package was a Black Russian, a bottle ofRolling Rock for a wash, and a Marlboro. Two out of three is like ZZ Top without Billy Gibbons.  Glad I quit when I did.

Want to bet on the Badgers, thePackers, or the over/under on how many voters rise up from the dead in theKloppenburg recount?  You won’t have todrive to an Indian Casino; you can place your wager at the Kwik Trip…or the M&Ibank. I’ll order that one out of spite.

Know what else you can do at theKT?  Fill up your SUV, ATV, and Jet Skiswith high octane, no ethanol, manly gas. For about a buck a gallon, because Judge Tim doesn’t like gas tax,either.  Want to run your Prius oncorn?  Put the bikes on the rack and moveto Iowa; theyare addicted to the stuff over there.

But how would we pay for the DNRwith all those tax cuts, you ask?  Simpleanswer: “you’re welcome”.   Here’s howthe DNR would fare in Judge Tim’s court: “Attorney Kloppenburg, show me where your name is on the deed tothis property…I didn’t think so…now sit down and shut up.  And buy this guy’s pier; no, buy him two justfor being a dork.” 

And don’t even think aboutboycotting our fine businesses up here in the Kingdom of Oma,because Judge Tim knows how to spell extortion and throw your miserable buttsin the hooskow for 20 hard.  While I’m atit, I think I will rule that the Federal anti-trust waiver for unions isnullified in Wisconsin.  There – now your whole amalgamatedbrotherhood can drag your knuckles back home to Illinois. And as long as we are nullifying…sayonara, Obamacare!  You have just been injunctified! 

I like guns, don’t you?  Concealed carry, open carry, locked andloaded and ready to defend against the dirtbags and gang-bangers who arealready packin’.   Not just allowed, butmandatory, just like recycling used to be before Judge Tim ordered theprisoners in jail to sort the garbage so honest citizens didn’t have to wasteour time doing it.  What’s that, ACLU -sorting trash is cruel and unusual punishment? I know! I know!   

Let’s see, what else don’t I like?…seatbelts, car seats, dairy queen light bulbs, out of state college kids voting toincrease taxes they will never pay.  Drinkraw milk if you think you should, don’t worry about motorcycle helmets, andconsider the speed limits on rural interstates to be suggestions.  And of course, I’ll reverse any injunction JudgeSumi issues.  I’ll get an app for myiPhone to alert me.

You think Obama has power?  Hah!  JudgeTim can make a hundred thousand people suddenly get glaucoma just by making medicalmarijuana legal, and then cure them all when I end prohibition altogether.  Just don’t come into my court expectingunemployment when you flunked your drug test at work, stoner.  Judge Tim has no sympathy for slackers.

If you think the people in the Kingdom of Oma will vote me out over pot, you’venever been to Hurley.  Did I mention I would VoterID the whole state by decree and make everyone cast their ballot in gun shop,church, or Harley dealership?  Think of it as affirmative action, making up fora century of liberal home-field advantage voting in public schools.  Besides, once I order the state to give everyparent vouchers, there won’t be any public schools left to vote in.

Now, I know that my liberal opponentsfor county judge will point to my lack of judicial experience and say I shouldstart out on the Supreme Court until I know what I am doing, like their guys do.  And my conservative opponents will be lecturingabout impartiality and temperament and separation of powers and things thatpeople under 40 never learned.  That isnoble.

But I’d wipe the floor with themboth. There wouldn’t be no Franken re-counts when Judge Tim stands forre-election.  You know why?  Because freedom is popular, just like RonPaul says. And free people would rather livein the Kingdom of Oma than the People’s Republic of Madison. 

It’s too bad they don’t have thechoice.  

“Moment Of Clarity” is a weekly commentary byLibertarian writer and speaker Tim Nerenz, Ph.D.  Visit Tim’s website www.timnerenz.com to find your moment andorder his new book, “Tooth Fairy Government.”